WE ALL love an upset.
It is immensely satisfying to watch a team that is extremely good at football be humbled by one that is only quite good at football.
“Ha! They’re so pathetic,” we announce to the dark and empty living room at 2am. “Spain had 79 per cent of possession and could only score through a Russian own goal. How embarrassing! Not so mighty now, are they?”
This petty schadenfreude is what fuels us every four years as we drag ourselves out of bed to watch two countries we don’t care about try to crush each other’s dream of kicking the higher number of goals in a 90-minute period.
But our hunger for upsets is reckless and uncontrolled. We don’t think of the consequences. And now, this World Cup is suffering them.
The reigning world champion, Germany, is gone. So is the 2010 champion Spain. Lionel Messi’s Argentina and Cristiano Ronaldo’s Portugal were both knocked out over the weekend. Italy and the Netherlands, another pair of football giants, didn’t even qualify for the World Cup in the first place.
Taken in isolation, each of these monumental, national psyche-shattering disasters brings me great joy.
For example, Ronaldo, an insufferably arrogant git, now has nothing but an $82 million salary and the sight of his washboard abs in the mirror to comfort him. This is an unambiguous triumph for the forces of good.
But put all the upsets together and you are left with an underwhelming conclusion to the World Cup, right when it’s supposed to get good.
Don’t bother looking to the heavens Mesut Ozil. Your god can’t save you now. Pic: AFPSource:AFP
This is what all those people who talk about football on TV for a living call “the business end” of the tournament (incidentally, FIFA apparatchiks use that term for the bit where they select the host nation).
We want to see the heavyweights playing each other. Brazil against Spain. France against Germany. England against its own inner demons, but preferably a decent football team as well.
Instead, try to get excited about a quarterfinal between Russia and Croatia. You’d sooner salivate over a bowl of liquified lettuce.
The only big contenders left are France, Brazil and England, the last of which is purely there to choke for our amusement at the appropriate moment.
It’s like a Marvel movie without Iron Man, Captain America, Black Panther or Thor. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Ant Man is a perfectly enjoyable film, but we expected to see The Avengers dammit.
Don’t look to the heavens Ronaldo. Satan can’t save you now. Pic: AFPSource:AFP
What is a casual football fan to do in this sorry situation? Do we double down on the underdogs and root for, I dunno, Switzerland to win the whole thing?
No. It’s time to commit to a worthy champion.
For me, that team is France, a side brimming with panache, and probably also ganache.
It was exhilarating to watch the French dismantle a thoroughly awful opponent in the round of 16. They were led by electric 19-year-old Kylian Mbappe, who is very good at running fast and falling over, two essential football skills.
His is the sort of outrageous talent we need to see more of. So far this World Cup has been defined by plucky teams competing to have the most forcefully gritted teeth, which is admirable, but not particularly entertaining.
So please, no more shock results. The more upsets there are, the more upset I get.
THE WORLD CUP’S MISSING GIANTS
Germany
The reigning champions were expected to do well again in Russia, but suffered a shock 1-0 loss to Mexico in their opening game.
A dramatic winner in the dying seconds saved the Germans from utter humiliation against Sweden, but they wasted their second chance, crashing to a 2-0 defeat against lowly South Korea.
Germany finished at the bottom of its group.
Spain
Spain did manage to make the round of 16 — where it was promptly eliminated by the World Cup’s lowest-ranked team, Russia.
The 2010 champions dominated possession and completed four times as many passes as the host nation, but failed to capitalise on their dominance, eventually losing in a penalty shootout.
Argentina
Lionel Messi’s team barely qualified for the knockout stage, scraping through thanks to a goal in the 86th minute of its final group match. The Argentinians were plagued by problems on and off the pitch, and subsequently got blown away by France.
Portugal
The reigning European Cup champions were undone by the brilliance of Uruguayan striker Edinson Cavani in the round of 16.
Cristiano Ronaldo, who was unstoppable earlier in the tournament, ended his World Cup career with a rather classless display, roaring in the face of the referee.
The Netherlands
Holland has endured a brutal fall since making the World Cup final in 2010. The Dutch failed to appear at the tournament at all this time, finishing behind France and Sweden in their qualifying group.
Italy
The four-time champions are missing their first World Cup since 1958 after being held to a scoreless draw by Sweden in the final leg of their qualifying playoff.
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